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Posts Tagged ‘Social Networking’

Image from: http://longwood-house.co.ukSmile. No a little bit wider. Show me some teeth. Thatttts it. Feeling better
already are you? What do you mean ‘no’? You mean to tell me that grinning and bearing it doesn’t make all your troubles go away? Well there goes my theory out the window.

So what exactly does make us happy? Bucket of chicken? Sometimes. Glass of wine, or in my case make that seven. That usually works. Falling in love? Unlikely to be honest, you spend half the time extatic and the other half suicidally depressed. Or maybe that’s just me again. Watching your team win a match? Though I’m not sure if that’s so much happiness as it is momentary elation.

Money might help. I know they say it doesn’t, but perhaps whoever these ‘they’ are have never owned an Audi R8. Don’t be under any illusion that I have, but take it from me I’d find it pretty hard to be depressed in one of those babies. Maybe I’m just more shallow than your average person (or more honest, I’m not sure).

Expensive cars aside however, I think we’ve got this happiness business all wrong. Most people seem to think we have to be happy all the time, well I personally can’t think of anything more exhausting. See what you’ve actually got to do is make sure you have enough good moments in life to out-balance the incredibly (excuse my language but it’s needed) shit ones.

These days everyone thinks to be happy we need to prove how great our lives are all the time. Its common knowledge if your facebook, twitter, bbm and linkedin statuses don’t indicate what a blast you’re having, the chances are you’re probably at home bored. And if you’re not, well everyone else thinks you are, so you might as well be.

Now call me crazy but maybe, just maybe if everyone spent a little more time living life instead of updating about it, we’d start noticing how great we’ve all really got it.

And what really makes me happy? The little things. Going to buy a pair of shoes and my debit card not being declined. A guy I like texting when he says he will. McDonald’s accidentally forgetting to charge me for my chips. Making my friends laugh, (with me, not at me). And of course, eating half the contents of my fridge and still being able to wear skinny jeans without it being ironic.

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I’ve never owned a web-cam, because when I’m at home, truth be told, I enjoy looking like a bit of a hobo, and people just don’t need to be submitted to that. But since ‘ChatRoulette‘ seems to be kind of a big deal, and since I’m not one to let anything pass me by, I stole my sisters cam and had myself a go.

For any of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s a bit like a massive and random world wide msn game. Every time you click the “next” button you are put face to face with a different person from somewhere in the world.

The first guy I met was from Turkey. I’ll admit my Turkish has never been brilliant (what with me being Greek and all) but he seemed to understand what I meant when I said “nasilsin” so it seems having a Turkish best friend has paid off.

I met a police-man from Philadelphia (fully kitted out) usually I love a man in uniform, but since he was bordering on overweight I somehow managed to control my primitive urges. Next came the guy from Belgium who ate a banana suggestively at me, but thanks to the “next” button I didn’t have to endure more than about 5 seconds of that.

Either German people don’t go out much, or ChatRoulette is really happening over there, because every other person I spoke to seemed to be a ‘Mann’ or a ‘Frau’.

One guy was even sitting there with a guitar taking song requests (well that’s one way to label yourself an international talent). He sang “Hey There Delilah” to me, and would you believe he wasn’t half bad. Now all he needs is a millionaire music producer to have a gander on ChatRoulette and he’ll be sorted. Likelihood of that happening? Probably about as likely as me showing my ‘tits’ to the 3 guys that asked.

No girls would talk to me. Clearly I wasn’t what they were looking for. Though, if like I suspect, they were on the search for good-looking guys, they would have probably been better off sticking with me. Actually that’s a lie, one girl did speak to me, she was listening to Bruno Mars and I started singing along. It didn’t occur to me till later that it may have seemed like I was serenading her.

Oh I met a Smurf too, and a guy in a red wig, (they were hanging out together). It worries me that this is the best London had to offer. Really it’s a good thing I logged on tonight to give England a good name.

If nothing else I learnt a lot. Like for example at at 18:40 here it is 10:30 in Oregon. Portuguese people are in fact, not all good looking like I had originally believed, people in Albania smoke a lot of weed (they offered me some but I was strictly business) and it turns out people in the Ukraine don’t have much of a sense of humour.

Also, for first time users, have your cursor poised over the ‘next’ button, because there will always be that one guy, somewhere in the world, with his cock out.

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Seductive subtlety is they key to all flirtation, it’s taken me twenty one years to master it but I am finally confident that I have understood the rules of the dating game. If such a thing exists as a connoisseur of flirting then I suggest they consider opening a school and teaching the ways of flirtation to those incapable of it.

I have bore witness far too many times to awkward conversations absent in sexual chemistry, for the sole reason that when it comes to social interaction with someone you like, certain unpleasant side effects feel the need to emerge. My personal downfall is the nervous stutter, though it gets worse, others must deal with such issues as the awkward silence or the accidental divulging of too much information.

Upon Facebook’s increasing popularity however, it has dawned on the mass of singles that a gate of flirtation had been left open, and a subsequent sigh of relief was heard worldwide. This in turn calls for a new set of rules for online flirtation, the seductive smile or playful touching of the arm have become obsolete and we are in need of new methods to entice the object if our desire.

Ladies I’m warning you, going through a guy’s Facebook photos and clicking ‘like’ under every one does not suggest you fancy him, it suggests you are (what has so eloquently been named) a ‘Facebook stalker’. Much like life outside the virtual world, desperation has never been the most attractive of qualities. I urge you to picture a cucumber and imitate it; coolness is what we are going for. If in life you wouldn’t dare go up to someone you fancy and poke them, then why would it suddenly become acceptable in virtual form?

I’ve never been one for playing it safe, but playing by the rules is a different matter; my first rule is don’t send anything on Facebook that will leave you waiting by your laptop in a nervous sweat. However witty or subtle your comment, there is always a chance it will be ignored and so everything you send should be written in full awareness of this. Virtually batting your eyes at someone only becomes fun in the moments of reciprocation, so keep it interesting.

I’ve never been a fan of small talk, perhaps you will find me harsh in calling it dull and pointless but I’ve always been a firm believer in only speaking when you have something worthwhile to say. After all, we’re aiming for a witty repartee not a friendly conversation about the weather.

Whilst I am no expert in matters of the heart, I have one last suggestion for those seeking romantic help. Your Facebook status is not a place for public love notes. There is nothing I cringe at more than someone who has yet to master the technique of subtlety and uses their status to ‘casually’ hint their affections. General consensus is, if you wouldn’t say it in public, don’t say it on Facebook, because (and I do hate being the barer of bad news) it’s the same thing!

A well-chosen profile picture, a casual comment, a relevant conversation topic is all you need, the rest is bordering on madness.

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