Posts Tagged ‘Seduction’

“If a guy takes an hour to reply to your text, take three to reply to his.” “If you like a guy, flirt with someone else in front of him to make him jealous.” “If a guy is talking to other girls, tell him it doesn’t bother you, and then he’ll like you for not being clingy”.

What. The. Fuck.

And I thought game playing was just for children.

Image taken from: http://www.naomishow.com/

When did this happen? One moment I was 14 years old watching The Notebook, believing love was all about eating ice-cream and jumping into ponds (what, don’t judge me, that film can melt the heart of a Rhino). Next thing I know, I’m being told the best way to get a guy’s attention is by updating my bbm status so he’ll notice and think to message me.

Honestly now? Relying on status updates to get a little action. Is that where we’re at?

I have friends getting married. Like actually walking-down-the-aisle, big-white-dress, forever-and-ever, probably-gonna pop-out-a-baby-soon, married. And here the rest of us are, staring at our phones, wondering if a more attractive display picture will eventually lead to a conversation.

Okay so admittedly that’s not what I want. Come on, I’m 21. I’m too selfish to get married yet. My idea of a sacrifice is eating canned food for three weeks so I can afford the latest Carvela seven inch wonders. The biggest lifelong commitment I plan to make any time soon, is to my bank, when I ask them to extend my overdraft by another thousand pounds.

So I’m never going to be the clingy “I found love after one date” kinda girl. Hell I’m the “I’ve been on five dates and I’m still not sure about him” chick. I suppose that’s my own doing. Indecisiveness is a horrible quality. To date, there is no found cure.

Back to the point.

I may hold my cards close to my chest, but there’s nothing expert about the way I play. Most of the time I’m bluffing, and the rest, I’m just trying to distract you so I can take a peak at your hand.

It seems I’m not very good at games. And judging by my other single friends, neither are they. No we do not want to bare your children (baby induced stretch marks are soo last season). No we’re probably not going to marry you. And I can’t speak for the others on this last one, but I’ve never been very good at the whole, Lady and the Tramp style spaghetti eating (I’m Greek we don’t share food) it may be romantic but you’ll have to do without. Though if you’re nice I might give you my very last rolo, heck some day I might even buy you a packet of your own.

In the mean time I don’t mind a game or two. After all it bores me when things come too easily. A bit like out-eating the diabetic kid at the Mars bar eat-a-thon. Though, if this is what we’re doing now, could someone please hand me the rulebook and let it be known, that I don’t like to lose.

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Remember a time, when men ruled the world? Women made the sandwiches, men made the money, and everyone was pretty much happy.

Don’t get me wrong; the feminist movement was a blast and I appreciate being able to exert my genius somewhere outside the kitchen and bedroom. The problem is, while we were busy becoming martini-drinking, heel-wearing career-aspiring women, we didn’t notice the subsequent extinction of man.

I mean they still have all the relevant parts, but they lack any male conviction. Back in the day, if a guy wanted a girl he’d damn sure get her. Now they wait by their mobile phones, update their statuses twenty times a day and expect us to chase them. In the mean time they’ve fed us some elaborate story about it being the 21st century and women asking out men… and we’ve gone ahead and believed it.

The ugly truth of it is, they’d rather not risk the chance of rejection: why put your ego in a compromising position, when you can just train the girls to come to you. Then put them, in all the positions you like.

Now my Grandma was a hottie and a half, I’ve seen the pictures: she was a babe. My granddad on the other hand was what you’d call average. Yet when he laid eyes on her for the first time in that South London kebab shop (I kid you not that’s how they met) he didn’t wait around for her to ask him out; he just went right on over there, brought her a chicken pie and knew before she’d even finished it that she was his.

The truth is, every girl wants a guy who isn’t afraid to walk across the room, tell her to shut up, and buy her a saveloy. But somewhere between the kebab shop and the new millennium, the Alpha male died out and us girls were left to open our own pickle jars.

Around the same time girls developed attitude, guys decided we seemed a lot like hard work. Back in the day men weren’t afraid of a girl with opinions, because they knew exactly how to keep them quiet.  A gag in the kitchen is dictatorship, but a gag in the bedroom is just good fun.

Then, along came metrosexuality.

I don’t know which fool first decided imitation was a brilliant way to attract girls, but now half of them walk about in skinny jeans and long hair (a look which has never been, and will never be, attractive on a man). I’m just saying if a guys thighs look better in a pair of jeans than mine do, he should assume he’s never going to hear from me again. And by better I mean thinner of course.

As for the other half, do not be fooled by their manly exterior. They may open beer bottles with their teeth and venture into the gym every once in a while, but their main dating strategy consists of liking a girls photos on Facebook and subtly hinting that they like you.

Gentlemen take it from me: telling a girl you like her (manly) letting her drop you off home after a first date (not even a bit sexy), take a cab or learn to drive. Waiting for a girl to text you first (pathetic) actually managing to get a girl to text you first (pretty impressive actually, you must be better looking than I thought).

Now, back in the day cavemen would pick their mate, drag her to their cave and impress her with the size of his club. I’m not advising that as an approach, I’m just saying the whole dominance thing seemed to work quite well for them.

They knew the secret to dating you see. If this one doesn’t like you, the next one will. And hopefully she’ll have less opinions and bigger breasts.

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Him: S’cuse me, I wondered if you could help me.
Me: Yes?
Him: I have a lactose intolerance… got milk? *stares blatantly at my breasts*
Me: *unimpressed*

There is not enough Jack Daniels in the world to make a line like that work. It’s not that I have anything against chat up lines; but perhaps in the 30 seconds it takes you to walk from your end of the bar to mine, you can think of something to talk about which doesn’t involve my bra.

The problem is any fool with a half-baked line he read on google thinks he can pull it off and I’m here to set the record straight.

Just because a few vodka-ed up girls with self-esteem issues have thrown themselves at you after you reel off some line about her dress looking great on your bedroom floor, doesn’t mean it’s going to work on me. Or in fact on anyone with an IQ above 40.

“Do you believe in love at first sight … or should I walk past again?”
For goodness sake go back to the drawing board and come back with something I haven’t heard twenty times before. There’s this thing called originality, why don’t you shock me to death and try it once in a while.

“There are 256 bones in your body! Would you like another?”
Pretty damn funny but you’re still going home alone. While I love a confident guy as much as the next girl, you don’t have to make it quite so clear that you think I look easier than a Sunday morning.

In fact this goes hand in hand with the guys that pester you to text them pictures of yourself a week after you’ve met them. “Please babe send me a picture of you in that sexy outfit” – calm down mate, you bought me a £3.99 glass of wine from Weatherspoons and now you expect a peep show? Heaven forbid you paid for a cinema ticket, who knows what you would expect from me then.

“I’m not saying this 2 impress you but, I’m batman!!!”
I’m not lying; I’d probably take this one home. What can I say; I’m a sucker for a man with a good sense of humour.

I mean there are guys who think they’re funny. Guys who look funny, guys who try so hard to be funny. But a guy who can actually string a sentence together and produce something that elicits a genuine laugh? Well ladies, if you’re reading, send that guy all the pictures he wants. He’s a dying breed and it’s our duty to do what we can to keep the species alive.

And for the gentlemen who aren’t comically inclined? Well I have a tip for you too: hit the gym. If you can’t make me laugh, then at the very least provide a Danny Cipriani-esque body to distract me from that fact.

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A first date is like roast dinner, if you follow the recipe you can’t go wrong. So call me Martha Stewart and take note.

Firstly, coming from a girl who has a naturally sultry (fine moody) looking face, believe me, a smile goes a long way. Spinach teeth syndrome aside – brush, floss, rinse please – it’s always nice to give your date a little indication you’re not inwardly singing along to Rupert Holmes Pina Colada song.

You notice the occasional dramatic pause at the end of every few sentences? He’s not waiting for you to input your opinion; he just tried to make a funny, and is waiting for your reaction. Insert smile here, or if you really like him, go all out and fake a laugh. And if the laugh is genuine? Well then lady he’s a keeper.

Physical contact is always a hard one to master. One of the most exciting parts of a first date is the sexual electricity that comes from never having touched before. In these moments, every ‘accidental’ graze of the knee and soft brush of the arm is like foreplay. Men are like little children and you are their toy; it’s not of much interest until someone tells them they’re not allowed to play with it. So in this case, less is more.

My next tip: seamless underwear. At one point in the date, you will go to the restroom. Partly because it’s nice to check your lipstick hadn’t got smeared onto your teeth from all the earlier smiling, but mostly because you want him to watch as you walk away. Work on your walk if you have to: storming off to the ladies with a walk last seen on Jurassic Park will probably mean his plans for a hot dessert, now involve something available on the menu.

For numerous reasons I will be stating shortly, I feel heels on a first date and the toilet-trip-saunter go hand in hand. A nice pair of six inchers will lift your butt, lengthen your legs and give you something to measure him by. I feel I can say this without generating offence, as I too am vertically challenged: if a man is shorter than you in heels, dump him. That’s my professional opinion and I’m sticking to it. There are exceptions I’m sure, but life’s too short for me to list them.

If your first date involves eating, I have two words for you… small bites. You’re mouth is supposed to be a desirable and sensual haven; chewing like a hyena and talking with your mouthful are qualities you want to hide from him as long as possible.

And lets be adults about this now, whether you like it or not, through the eyes of a man, your mouth is a pleasure portal. Honestly, if you allow yours to resemble a mousetrap, I assure you, his desire to run away will overpower his need for cheese.

Now time for a little mathematics: also known as, the first kiss. Not all first dates end with a kiss, sometimes the guy wants to leave you with the illusion that he respects you, other times he’s just shy. Now I don’t care if you’ve been staring lustfully at his lips all night and feel you may implode if he doesn’t press them against yours imminently.

You give him 20% – no more. That is the furthest you can lean forward without it seeming like you’re going to kiss him. You close the distance, and if he wants to kiss you, he’ll do the rest. But be careful, if he does start closing in on you, don’t jump straight for his mouth, as there’s a chance he’s just going for the cheek. I speak from experience. Poor boy seemed to think I just got lost on the way to his lips.

Infallible flirting tips aside; there is one aspect I cannot help you with. I can give you the wood to start a fire; I can give you the gasoline to douse it with, but if you don’t have a match to start the spark, don’t expect your world to catch alight. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes you need a little more than physical attraction; unfortunately great arms and a sexy smile can only get you so far.

Now when it comes to all this ‘true love’ malarkey, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a cynic. However, I’m ready to throw a bone to the romantics of the world and acknowledge that when you meet someone worthwhile, it feels like November 5th every day.

After all, every girl knows deep down when a guy’s worth shaving her legs for.

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Seductive subtlety is they key to all flirtation, it’s taken me twenty one years to master it but I am finally confident that I have understood the rules of the dating game. If such a thing exists as a connoisseur of flirting then I suggest they consider opening a school and teaching the ways of flirtation to those incapable of it.

I have bore witness far too many times to awkward conversations absent in sexual chemistry, for the sole reason that when it comes to social interaction with someone you like, certain unpleasant side effects feel the need to emerge. My personal downfall is the nervous stutter, though it gets worse, others must deal with such issues as the awkward silence or the accidental divulging of too much information.

Upon Facebook’s increasing popularity however, it has dawned on the mass of singles that a gate of flirtation had been left open, and a subsequent sigh of relief was heard worldwide. This in turn calls for a new set of rules for online flirtation, the seductive smile or playful touching of the arm have become obsolete and we are in need of new methods to entice the object if our desire.

Ladies I’m warning you, going through a guy’s Facebook photos and clicking ‘like’ under every one does not suggest you fancy him, it suggests you are (what has so eloquently been named) a ‘Facebook stalker’. Much like life outside the virtual world, desperation has never been the most attractive of qualities. I urge you to picture a cucumber and imitate it; coolness is what we are going for. If in life you wouldn’t dare go up to someone you fancy and poke them, then why would it suddenly become acceptable in virtual form?

I’ve never been one for playing it safe, but playing by the rules is a different matter; my first rule is don’t send anything on Facebook that will leave you waiting by your laptop in a nervous sweat. However witty or subtle your comment, there is always a chance it will be ignored and so everything you send should be written in full awareness of this. Virtually batting your eyes at someone only becomes fun in the moments of reciprocation, so keep it interesting.

I’ve never been a fan of small talk, perhaps you will find me harsh in calling it dull and pointless but I’ve always been a firm believer in only speaking when you have something worthwhile to say. After all, we’re aiming for a witty repartee not a friendly conversation about the weather.

Whilst I am no expert in matters of the heart, I have one last suggestion for those seeking romantic help. Your Facebook status is not a place for public love notes. There is nothing I cringe at more than someone who has yet to master the technique of subtlety and uses their status to ‘casually’ hint their affections. General consensus is, if you wouldn’t say it in public, don’t say it on Facebook, because (and I do hate being the barer of bad news) it’s the same thing!

A well-chosen profile picture, a casual comment, a relevant conversation topic is all you need, the rest is bordering on madness.

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