Posts Tagged ‘Saving’

Me in 5 Years?

I actually picked up 20p off the floor today. It’s come to that.

Before you judge me, let it be known I gave it a hand sanitiser bath before popping it into my purse next to that losing lottery ticket I couldn’t quite bring myself to throw away.

Who knew you can’t get a loan for a Masters? Not me. Hats off to NatWest really for allowing me an overdraft the size of Brazil. Not that I’m worried about it or anything, I love a good challenge, and digging my self out of that one, is going to be just that.

I remember earning some money somewhere along the way, but since the only thing I ever invested in was my feet, we’re back to square one. My maths is rusty at best, so correct me if I’m wrong, but with the help of my blackberry’s calculator I worked out that over the years, I’ve spent approximately £3000 on shoes.

My next pair perhaps?

Now, I didn’t want to have to whip out the finger of blame, but I’m convinced that my parents have been encouraging this unfortunate obsession on the basis that without savings I’d be forced to live with them until the age of 35.

To any other culture this would seem an inprobable explanation, but us Greeks like our kids where we can see them. Where we can ensure they are eating four square meals a day, and only bringing home acceptable suitors (wealthy bankers who grown their own tomato plants and are in possession of a stereotypically Mediterranean  long baby finger nail).

“Love grows” my Grandma tells me, “what you need is stability”. They may as well give up this pretence of happiness altogether and nudge me down the aisle, to Abba’s Money Money Money proving my fellow students right once and for all.

I should elaborate. Way back when in sixth form, I had been voted “Most Likely To Marry For Money”. I personally don’t know where they got such an idea.

Yes I’d like to be rich, who wouldn’t? (Walk in wardrobe’s don’t build themselves you know). And yes it’s probably going to take me a while (because as I’ve discovered, working in the media industry involves a lot of working for free). And okay, if I were the “sleep your way to the top” type of girl I’d probably get there a lot faster. But damn it my morals are always getting in the way of an easy life.

So until success busts a groove over to my ends, London keep dropping those 20p’s and I’ll keep picking them up. And one day, when I can spare them, perhaps I’ll drop a few back.

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Inspired by blogger Simon Francis and his one-man attempt to cut spending, I have decided we could all do with a little life minimisation. Did I need my £1.55 hazelnut cappuccino this morning? I’m going to say no.

I have taken it upon myself, in the midst of this crisis to play the role of teacher, and guide you through this wallet-draining time.

If the government can cut their spending by 40% then so can we.

Consider your house is your own individual country, with it’s own population and necessary expenses. To this country: ‘You-topia’, you are the Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and also John Smith, the hardworking civilian in fear of his livelihood.

You-topian cuts to Housing:
Antibacterial wipes, scented candles, air freshener, comfort, dishwasher tablets – forget about it. Allow me to introduce you to soap and water: acquaint yourselves; they are your new money-saving best friends.

You-topian cuts to food:
Stand up, walk to your fridge, pull out your loaf of Hovis (which as of your next week you will be replacing with Asda’s own brand), grab a jar of peanut butter, and spread spread spread. Now, allow me to introduce you to your lunch.

You-topian cuts to pensions:
Money now over money later: you know how you frivolously saved all your pennies in a large cola-shaped moneybox for a rainy day? Well winter’s here and you need a new umbrella. Stop hoarding your money; this is now your weekly supermarket fund. No point saving for the future, if you can’t financially survive the present.

You-topian cuts to Child benefits:
Durex, Trojan, LifeStyles, PleasurePlus: Safe sex is cheaper than buying a pram.

You-topian cuts to Public Spending:
Ladies: I understand the importance of a Cosmopolitan on a Friday night, but the current economy has no room for this kind of spending. Instead I propose you invest in a low cut top.

If America buys England a space shuttle, it won’t effect English spending, right? Well in this case, America is a wealthy businessman, and the space shuttle is a dirty martini.

Gentlemen: Remember the days where your inability to cook was easily compensated with three course meal at your local Chinese? Well they’re not over yet. Look down at your resent call log, Tom, Dick, Harry: your friend’s are now your meal ticket. Dinnertime is always the perfect hour for a casual visit.

As a once poor and hungry student, I can assure you this feeding-method has been personally trailed and marked a success. Statistically, 9/10 they’ll be setting you a place at the table and piling the Korma on your plate. Hunger averted.

Within one month of You-topian policies being implemented, financial situation of your country should be at a point of improvement. If suggested cuts fail to improve long-term economic situation, drastic measures must be taken into consideration and deportation of your countries residents should be given serious thought.

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