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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Nothing makes a women more mentally imbalanced than having to wait by her phone for a text. And the longer it takes to get a reply, the more irrational we seem to become.

The first port of call is always the ‘best friend’ who is on hand with logical advice which you totally intend on ignoring. “Maybe he’s busy, or at work. Maybe his phone ran out of battery, or he’s testing you to see if you’ll go nuts. Try not to think about it, he’ll text back soon”.

And you’re nodding like:

Jennifer Anniston Nodding

But then as soon as you’re left to your own devices, all that great advice somehow gets forgotten and you’re back to trying to come up with your own brilliant ideas for making him text back faster.

For the record, cross the following off your “maybe I should” list because trust me you shouldn’t. That is, unless you have been given any indication that this particular gentleman is slightly turned on by clingy and or desperate women.

1. Don’t Send Him 7 Increasingly Hysterical Texts Over 2 Days.
Crazy Girls Clingy GIF

Despite what you want to allow yourself to believe, his phone hasn’t spontaneously started to reject your messages. He didn’t accidentally block your number and I’m pretty certain he didn’t “reply but forget to press send”.

Whatever your logic, it’s wrong. He got your text, he just can’t reply right now, or simply doesn’t want to. Sending more texts is unlikely to help.

And for the record, re-sending the same message again is also pretty ridiculous. “Oh maybe he’ll think my phone just sent it twice accidentally”. Yes, maybe. Or, maybe he’ll think you’re insane.

2. Don’t Leave A Voice Mail
Awkward Gif phone call clingy

Cute voicemails are only cute when they aren’t preceded by three unanswered texts. If he’s ignoring you and you’re leaving adorable messages for him, you just seem a little desperate. And I was being nice when I said “a little”.

3. Do Not Get Your Friend To Call Him From Unknown Number
Mean Girls GIF

Classic girl move. After obsessing over the fact he hasn’t replied, you decide to put him through the “does he have his phone with him” test. Of course he’s with his phone! Is there anyone in this day and age who spends more than an hour apart from their beloved smart phone? Unless he was mugged (unlikely) he has his phone with him.

So if your plan is to call him from an unknown number, then act enraged when he picks up, I’m telling you, save those unlimited minutes and don’t bother. Whatever the reason for his silence, it is not that he is phone-less.

4. Don’t Drunk Dial
Closure Friends Rachel

Don’t call him after three glasses of wine to tell him what an idiot he is. You’re going for class and sophistication, not desperation and alcoholism.

By all means have your wine fest, go ahead and drunkenly bitch to your friends about what a “child” he’s being, but first put your phone somewhere, where drunk you can’t reach it. Sadly, “it wasn’t me, it was the vodka” is rarely accepted as an adequate excuse for drunk dialing.

5. DO NOT DO A DRIVE BY HIS HOUSE
Cher clueless oopst car drive

This move is also known as the “what the f*** is he doing, that he can’t stop for two seconds and text me back?”

First I must ask you, what possible difference could his location make to this situation? The beauty of mobile technology, is that it really doesn’t matter where the hell he is.

Secondly, what do you intend to do if he sees you? Roll your window down and wave? I think not… reverse back into your drive and abort mission.

6. Do Not Inbox Him On Facebook To Ask If He Got Your Texts
Phoebe Friends Stop The Madness Facebook

“Hey babe, did you get my text” roughly translates to “Hey babe, I’ve been sitting by my phone for 13 hours and if you don’t reply soon, I’m going to have an emotional meltdown and change my Facebook status to It’s Complicated“.

Don’t be that girl.

7. Don’t Try To “Casually” Bump Into Him
Barney Crazy Happenstance

What’s that? He tweeted that he was going to the pub and you just happened to bump into him there? This ones a total mystery, surely he’ll never put two and two together! That is, unless he didn’t have a partial lobotomy earlier that day.

8. Don’t Like All His Instagram Pictures While You Wait For A Reply
Britney hot

Pandering to his ego won’t help. Your 3 texts in a row already made it obvious that you like him. I promise you the issue is that you haven’t made your feelings clear enough.

9. Don’t Message His Friends To Ask Him To “Call You”
Call me

Because the only thing worse than him thinking you’re a bit clingy, is his friends thinking it too. Men who lack their own opinions, tend to just develop those of their friends. Plus, if he isn’t texting you, it’s unlikely his friends will take your side instead of his. When it comes to getting his boys involved… avoid avoid avoid.

I know you have images of them going back to him with a “why aren’t you texting her, she’s such a nice girl”. But guys don’t do that. The closest you’ll get is: “how did that chick you’re dating get my number?”

So now we’ve gone through what you can’t do, here’s what you can: Stop starring at your phone, stop checking to see if you’ve lost signal, stop asking your friends to text you to test if they’re coming through. Go out, enjoy your life.

I guarantee he’ll reply eventually, usually with a half baked excuse which you may or may not choose to believe, that parts totally up to you.

 

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Once upon a dysfunctional relationship ago, women would determine unfaithfulness based on the obvious tale tell signs. The lipstick on the shirt, a sudden interest in aftershave and those curious receipts Whitney Huston sung about all those years ago.

Now we have entered the information age however, women no longer need to wait for signs; they can simply dig them up themselves; a love excavation if you will, because no one does research quite like a suspicious woman with unlimited broadband. Which means alongside online dating and we have created the evolution of digital tears and online break ups.

photo 2A few years back, women’s biggest techno-dating-phobe was sending a drunken text to someone after two dates and scaring them off completely. Now we long for such simple days, where a basic “I didn’t text you, the wine did” can fix it all.

With constant access to our dates, boyfriends, husbands and lovers every move can be analysed under a magnifying glass and we all know that too much of that, can start fires.

Years ago it was said that when you date a woman you date her family too, these days an even more uncomfortable type of threesome has arisen and when it comes to dating it’s ‘him’ ‘her’ and ‘the internet’. An explosion of social technologies (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat and whatever else out there I have yet to discover) has caused an explosion in sanity too. Just because you can keep tabs on someone throughout the day, doesn’t mean you should.

It starts off innocently, he messages a girl on Twitter and you check to see if she’s attractive. He has his “read receipts” on and you notice he saw your message but took an hour to reply. A picture was uploaded on to Facebook and his female co-worker ‘liked’ it. Completely innocent occurrences to everyone but the girlfriend who has convinced herself that Donell Jones isn’t the only one who knows what’s up.

photo 1Trusting someone in a relationship can be hard enough without purposely looking for evidence of unfaithfulness. Whatever your current use for Google is, checking up on your other half probably shouldn’t be it. Go buy a dress, reply to those work emails you’ve been ignoring for two weeks or look up old friends to see if they’ve gotten fat… anything that doesn’t involve obsessing over the online footprint of your partner.

You should also note that it’s not just his online activity you have to worry about. While you’re walking around with your phone in your hand like it’s puppy you can’t leave unattended, he might be wondering what’s so interesting that you can’t put it down. You might be on Facebook looking at the same photo of your friend’s new hair cut from 17 different angles, but he’s probably trying to work out who you might be texting and if they’re the reason you password protect your phone.

If you ask me, it’s time for a break up; or a break at the very least. Break up with your smart phone before it’s a real break up on the cards. I’m not suggesting you dig out your old Nokia 3210; perhaps just learn to leave it in your pocket or bag every once in a while. Maybe one day you can even pop to the shops without it and let the rest of us know if the world doesn’t end.

After all, we already live in an age where people get broken up with on Facebook, let’s not let it become the age where people break up because of it too.

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Make a choice, change your life. I dare you.

I have been advised by my daily horoscope to take a break. Not that I needed an Oracle to tell me that. And not that I much believe in Star Signs either, but due to a complete lack of any personal wisdom I thought I’d seek outside help.

I’ve never been a believer in fate, I think we make our own decisions, and the relevant outcomes are ones we inadvertently chose. That being said, I’ve been hoping that perhaps (for maybe the first time ever) I might be wrong.

If someone could convince me that everything happens for a reason, then I wouldn’t have to worry so much, about all the choices I have miscalculated. Wouldn’t it be nice, if instead of regretting the things which go wrong, we can just assume that if they were meant to be, they would.

I’d definitely sleep better at night if I could just conclude that things happen because they’re meant to, and I have no actual control, just the illusion of it. Because the alternative, that things aren’t all tied up in fate, and that we make our own luck, involves a lot more bravery than I think I can summon. If life is, as I had originally thought, unplanned, unscripted and just plain messy, then every tiny thing you or I do, effects the way we’ll end up.

Think about it.

Leaving 2 minutes later for work, can be the difference between a collision, and a morning spent listening to mediocre breakfast music. Smoking that cigarette can be the difference between living till 40 and living till 85. Applying for that job might be the line between survival and success. Going to this bar instead of that one is the difference between meeting someone, and never even knowing they existed. And telling someone how you feel could be the difference between being happy, and not.

If this doesn’t scare you, then maybe you could share some insight, because it sure as hell scares me.

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First of all, let it be known, I can be pretty stupid sometimes.

I mean I can’t spell to save my life (in fact I have spell-check to thank for my degree) and just yesterday I had to ask my mum if Capers were those little fish things (turns out I meant sardines). So perhaps I am being slightly liberal by putting myself in the ‘Brains’ category, but for the sake of my argument, lets just go with it.

Now I’ve done my research. And most guys want both: Brains and Beauty. I don’t blame them, hell I agree with them. But let’s be honest sometimes the world’s just not that kind.

When forced to make a choice, general consensus was (insert manly voice here) “brains every time because we love a girl who can carry a conversation”. I can almost hear the world-wide sigh of relief while mascara wands are being put down the nation over. So being able to carry a conversation is sexy now? 1 point to me.

Of course that’s all very well in theory. And I know the female population isn’t exactly divided into two categories ‘hot’ or ‘not’. One man’s Angelina Jolie may be another’s Susan Boyle (sorry Susan). But the fact of the matter is I’ve never heard of a model or an actress incapable of finding herself a boyfriend. But a doctor, a nurse, a female comedian? Different matter altogether.

Sometimes we like to flatter ourselves and say that men can’t handle strong opinionated women. But then I remember my mum’s married, and they don’t come much more opinionated than her. So that definitely can’t be the problem.

The real issue is, that the men who claim they don’t like beautiful girls probably feel this way because they think, they’d never be able to get one anyway. As for the rest of them? These men who say they like to be ‘intellectually stimulated’. Well lets face it, when you’re talking to a group of girls on a night out. Which one do you remember? The one with the banter? Or the one with the great face and huge tits? Say it. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. If I was standing next to someone with a face like Jesse Williams, no amount of wit and charm would distract me either.

You see in theory most guys do want a funny girl they can talk football to and argue about which Lord of the Rings film was better. In practically we haven’t evolved all that much from the caveman days. And nothing gets those clubs swinging like a sexy little slave girl who knows her way around the cave. And by cave I mean bedroom.

Of course none of us would ever admit to being this fundamentally shallow. When asked, 90% of us will pick ‘personality’ over ‘looks’ every time. Which is lovely. And would be even lovelier if it were true.

In actuality, pre-marriage, people don’t pick their partners based on their mutual liking for late night spooning sessions and staring into each others eyes. You pick them based on how much of a sexy-beast you’d look, standing next to them. But don’t worry about it. You can all continue to chat up the sexiest girl who’ll listen. And in turn we’ll all continue applying make-up and wearing push up bras and pretending we’re naturally this pretty.

I mean lets face it, when you start dating a new girl, your friends will ask to see a picture of her. Not hear a recent joke she’s told you. And whether you want it to or not, it starts to matter.

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“If a guy takes an hour to reply to your text, take three to reply to his.” “If you like a guy, flirt with someone else in front of him to make him jealous.” “If a guy is talking to other girls, tell him it doesn’t bother you, and then he’ll like you for not being clingy”.

What. The. Fuck.

And I thought game playing was just for children.

Image taken from: http://www.naomishow.com/

When did this happen? One moment I was 14 years old watching The Notebook, believing love was all about eating ice-cream and jumping into ponds (what, don’t judge me, that film can melt the heart of a Rhino). Next thing I know, I’m being told the best way to get a guy’s attention is by updating my bbm status so he’ll notice and think to message me.

Honestly now? Relying on status updates to get a little action. Is that where we’re at?

I have friends getting married. Like actually walking-down-the-aisle, big-white-dress, forever-and-ever, probably-gonna pop-out-a-baby-soon, married. And here the rest of us are, staring at our phones, wondering if a more attractive display picture will eventually lead to a conversation.

Okay so admittedly that’s not what I want. Come on, I’m 21. I’m too selfish to get married yet. My idea of a sacrifice is eating canned food for three weeks so I can afford the latest Carvela seven inch wonders. The biggest lifelong commitment I plan to make any time soon, is to my bank, when I ask them to extend my overdraft by another thousand pounds.

So I’m never going to be the clingy “I found love after one date” kinda girl. Hell I’m the “I’ve been on five dates and I’m still not sure about him” chick. I suppose that’s my own doing. Indecisiveness is a horrible quality. To date, there is no found cure.

Back to the point.

I may hold my cards close to my chest, but there’s nothing expert about the way I play. Most of the time I’m bluffing, and the rest, I’m just trying to distract you so I can take a peak at your hand.

It seems I’m not very good at games. And judging by my other single friends, neither are they. No we do not want to bare your children (baby induced stretch marks are soo last season). No we’re probably not going to marry you. And I can’t speak for the others on this last one, but I’ve never been very good at the whole, Lady and the Tramp style spaghetti eating (I’m Greek we don’t share food) it may be romantic but you’ll have to do without. Though if you’re nice I might give you my very last rolo, heck some day I might even buy you a packet of your own.

In the mean time I don’t mind a game or two. After all it bores me when things come too easily. A bit like out-eating the diabetic kid at the Mars bar eat-a-thon. Though, if this is what we’re doing now, could someone please hand me the rulebook and let it be known, that I don’t like to lose.

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I’ve never been a fan of metrosexuality; there’s something distinctly unattractive about a man who takes several hours longer than me to get ready for a night out.

My advice would be, if it takes longer than ten minutes to fix your hair in the morning, cut it off. If you have a deeply receding hairline, just own it and shave it off. And lastly if you plan to kiss a girl, she’s probably going to want to run her fingers through your hair, when she does this, she doesn’t want to get stuck in there, so seriously, go easy on the hair gel.

Shower. Every day. Don’t look at me like that. You may think this is common sense, but millions of others don’t. Having lived in halls of residence way back in my first year of university I learnt many things: canned spaghetti bolognaise takes a lot like boiled tomatoes, 100 shots of beer will probably make you sick, and men do not wash nearly as often as us women would like to think.

Also, I’m not sure if this turning-your-boxers-inside-out rumour is true, but I’m telling you from now, short of chlamydia, skid-marks on the outside of your boxers are about the least sexy thing a woman can find down there. There is never a good enough excuse for this. Someone broke into your house and stole every last piece of clothing you own? Manufacture a man-diaper out of towels if you have to, and waddle over to your nearest Primark.

Being an innocent and virtuous girl, I am in no position to confirm this, however I have it on good authority that some men don’t taste great. Don’t all rush for the Listerine; I’m not talking about your mouths. What you eat effects your body fluids, so perhaps instead of three burgers a day, consider switching over to a salad every once in a while. I’ve heard pineapple also works wonders, so how about you give it a go?

I know what you’re thinking, sounds like a lot of unnecessary work made up by women to feel like their men are contributing something to the relationship. And I suppose that’s fair enough, but next time your misses is ‘too tired’ to give you a little BJ, you’re going to have to wonder if some melon for breakfast would have resulted in a three-course orgasm for lunch.

Every woman likes a man who knows how to dress well; but when it comes down to it we’re all much more concerned about what’s underneath the Armani shirt. Every girl is different, some like men who wear designer brands; others really couldn’t care less what the guy wears as long as his mother didn’t make it.

Personally I have a particular aversion to men wearing pink or baby blue. But let’s be honest, if a girls been single for a while, upon meeting an attractive man, unless he’s wearing bright tangerine with baby pink trimmings, she probably wouldn’t care less about what he’s wearing.

Of course everyone’s different and the girls like myself who want Manolo Blahnik’s more than they want children are probably shallow enough to be a little put off by a man who dresses badly. But I beg of you, don’t hold it against us; we also happen to be our own worst critics.

If you happen to fall for one such (slightly) shallow creature, all is not lost. When in doubt: turn to dark jeans and black shirts. As for shoes, avoid dirty white trainers and pretty much anything with tassels.

Take it from me, what my advice lacks in scientific backing, it makes up for in life experience.

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Technology is a killer. If it hadn’t somehow become an extension of me, I would take my new Kurt Gieger stiletto and drive it through the screen of my blackberry. I deleted Facebook once when it became the cause of a break-up, but eventually I went crawling back. I am a social networking junkie and I’m not afraid to admit it.

I’ve found over time that a lot of people are sarcastically challenged and getting across tone in a text message is a killer. Consider: “I can tell you miss me” and “I can tell you miss me”. One said in a jokey and playful manner, one said in arrogant and patronising one. And I doubt you can tell which is which any more than I can.

The moral of this story? Things get lost in translation, and it doesn’t take much to go from playful conversation to ‘I sent that text three hours ago why hasn’t he replied?!’

The problem is, once the ‘send’ button has been pressed, it’s game over. You can’t take your comment back, you just have to wait and hope his three brain cells manage to conduct a little power and decipher your message was a joke.

And then you sit there, desperately staring at your phone, urging it to buzz, checking to make sure you hadn’t spontaneously lost your hearing and missed the beep-beeping of a text. Looking to see if you have signal, turning your wi-fi on and off and then the ultimate desperation: calling your house phone to double check your phone hasn’t just become faulty.

Then you get annoyed with yourself, you’re a self-sufficient sophisticated woman, if he can’t tell that what you just said was a joke, then perhaps you don’t need him in your life. The self-empowerment mode never lasts long however and you shortly begin contemplating the ‘double-text’. Perhaps you should send a follow up text, to clarify you were joking. Surely that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, would it?

How can I put this mildly? Yes. Yes it bloody is. Worst idea you’ve even had.

Has it come to anyone else’s attention that you can go four days without receiving a single text from a friend or family member and then upon entering a stage of near paranoid-schizophrenia caused by phone watching, the whole world decides to call? You get through seven messages from t-mobile wanting to discuss the changes in your new price plan, beep-beep a message from your mother asking you to pick up milk and a notification from Facebook a Mr Gerald Fitzherbert (no mutual friends) wants to be your friend.

Anyways, he texts eventually, cool, calm and completely oblivious the fact you’ve been waiting by your phone for the last ten hours. And you’re so irrationally relieved that he didn’t reject you for not properly thinking out the content of your text that you forget to hate him like you intended to.

And if only the occasional in-comprehensive text was our biggest worry.

To be completely happy in a relationship, I’ve always believed you have to hold onto the lies. A little bit of delusion never did anyone any harm. If he tells you that when he went out, got drunk with his friends and came home at 6am he was actually thinking of you the whole night, why can’t we just be allowed to hold onto that?

We know that the scenario he presented us with was a complete fabrication, and he probably spent half the night buying drinks for a table of blonde Russian belly dancers. And while I’ve always been enough of a realist to live by the ‘look but don’t touch’ rule in relationships; that doesn’t mean however that I want to see 200-tagged photos of him on Facebook with Alena, Sveta and Vanya the next day.

I envy the people who lived in the pre-technology days, where people’s laptops weren’t ruining their love lives and mobile phones weren’t the cause of minor mental breakdowns.

You know it’s true what they say (and while I have no clue who exactly ‘they’ is) whoever it was who decided ‘ignorance is bliss’ deserves a beer on me, because boy was he onto something.

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