Posts Tagged ‘Real men’

Remember a time, when men ruled the world? Women made the sandwiches, men made the money, and everyone was pretty much happy.

Don’t get me wrong; the feminist movement was a blast and I appreciate being able to exert my genius somewhere outside the kitchen and bedroom. The problem is, while we were busy becoming martini-drinking, heel-wearing career-aspiring women, we didn’t notice the subsequent extinction of man.

I mean they still have all the relevant parts, but they lack any male conviction. Back in the day, if a guy wanted a girl he’d damn sure get her. Now they wait by their mobile phones, update their statuses twenty times a day and expect us to chase them. In the mean time they’ve fed us some elaborate story about it being the 21st century and women asking out men… and we’ve gone ahead and believed it.

The ugly truth of it is, they’d rather not risk the chance of rejection: why put your ego in a compromising position, when you can just train the girls to come to you. Then put them, in all the positions you like.

Now my Grandma was a hottie and a half, I’ve seen the pictures: she was a babe. My granddad on the other hand was what you’d call average. Yet when he laid eyes on her for the first time in that South London kebab shop (I kid you not that’s how they met) he didn’t wait around for her to ask him out; he just went right on over there, brought her a chicken pie and knew before she’d even finished it that she was his.

The truth is, every girl wants a guy who isn’t afraid to walk across the room, tell her to shut up, and buy her a saveloy. But somewhere between the kebab shop and the new millennium, the Alpha male died out and us girls were left to open our own pickle jars.

Around the same time girls developed attitude, guys decided we seemed a lot like hard work. Back in the day men weren’t afraid of a girl with opinions, because they knew exactly how to keep them quiet.  A gag in the kitchen is dictatorship, but a gag in the bedroom is just good fun.

Then, along came metrosexuality.

I don’t know which fool first decided imitation was a brilliant way to attract girls, but now half of them walk about in skinny jeans and long hair (a look which has never been, and will never be, attractive on a man). I’m just saying if a guys thighs look better in a pair of jeans than mine do, he should assume he’s never going to hear from me again. And by better I mean thinner of course.

As for the other half, do not be fooled by their manly exterior. They may open beer bottles with their teeth and venture into the gym every once in a while, but their main dating strategy consists of liking a girls photos on Facebook and subtly hinting that they like you.

Gentlemen take it from me: telling a girl you like her (manly) letting her drop you off home after a first date (not even a bit sexy), take a cab or learn to drive. Waiting for a girl to text you first (pathetic) actually managing to get a girl to text you first (pretty impressive actually, you must be better looking than I thought).

Now, back in the day cavemen would pick their mate, drag her to their cave and impress her with the size of his club. I’m not advising that as an approach, I’m just saying the whole dominance thing seemed to work quite well for them.

They knew the secret to dating you see. If this one doesn’t like you, the next one will. And hopefully she’ll have less opinions and bigger breasts.

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