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Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

Him: S’cuse me, I wondered if you could help me.
Me: Yes?
Him: I have a lactose intolerance… got milk? *stares blatantly at my breasts*
Me: *unimpressed*

There is not enough Jack Daniels in the world to make a line like that work. It’s not that I have anything against chat up lines; but perhaps in the 30 seconds it takes you to walk from your end of the bar to mine, you can think of something to talk about which doesn’t involve my bra.

The problem is any fool with a half-baked line he read on google thinks he can pull it off and I’m here to set the record straight.

Just because a few vodka-ed up girls with self-esteem issues have thrown themselves at you after you reel off some line about her dress looking great on your bedroom floor, doesn’t mean it’s going to work on me. Or in fact on anyone with an IQ above 40.

“Do you believe in love at first sight … or should I walk past again?”
For goodness sake go back to the drawing board and come back with something I haven’t heard twenty times before. There’s this thing called originality, why don’t you shock me to death and try it once in a while.

“There are 256 bones in your body! Would you like another?”
Pretty damn funny but you’re still going home alone. While I love a confident guy as much as the next girl, you don’t have to make it quite so clear that you think I look easier than a Sunday morning.

In fact this goes hand in hand with the guys that pester you to text them pictures of yourself a week after you’ve met them. “Please babe send me a picture of you in that sexy outfit” – calm down mate, you bought me a £3.99 glass of wine from Weatherspoons and now you expect a peep show? Heaven forbid you paid for a cinema ticket, who knows what you would expect from me then.

“I’m not saying this 2 impress you but, I’m batman!!!”
I’m not lying; I’d probably take this one home. What can I say; I’m a sucker for a man with a good sense of humour.

I mean there are guys who think they’re funny. Guys who look funny, guys who try so hard to be funny. But a guy who can actually string a sentence together and produce something that elicits a genuine laugh? Well ladies, if you’re reading, send that guy all the pictures he wants. He’s a dying breed and it’s our duty to do what we can to keep the species alive.

And for the gentlemen who aren’t comically inclined? Well I have a tip for you too: hit the gym. If you can’t make me laugh, then at the very least provide a Danny Cipriani-esque body to distract me from that fact.

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“There’s no such thing as a funny girl”. What. “Girls aren’t funny”. Come again. “They try to be funny but it never works”. Stop now.

All these years I’ve been reassuring myself that I can compensate for all the areas in life which I am lacking, with my good sense of humour. My friends have made no effort to correct my life long belief system that my ability to make people laugh will balance out the fact I am vertically challenged (okay short) and opinionated (mouthy).

Mankind has however decided it is time to put me in my place. Well, actually, just a singular man, but he assures me he is a designated mouthpiece for the male species in general. And the news he has to bear? “Comedy should be left to us men”. That’s right.

And us ladies? We should stick to the areas our intellects can handle…perfecting our polite laugh and mastering a good meatloaf. Now don’t get me wrong, as a Greek girl I understand the importance of managing to look sexy in an apron and being able to make the perfect halloumi sandwich. I just didn’t realise that was all we were meant to do.

The problem now is, I’m going to have to find myself a new niche. Something to help me stand out from the crowd: aside from my apparently piss-poor jokes and curly hair. One of my friends for example can do the chest flex: not impressed? What if I tell you she’s a girl? Now that’s pretty cool, and that right there, is a niche.

So I asked him, this friend of mine, who told me there’s no such thing as a funny girl (and even if there was, no one would want to date her). I asked him what would be a more desirable female quality. After all, I don’t want to make the effort to develop a new talent, only to be told it is also obsolete.

Cooking? Probably not right? That’s what a guy has his mum for. Being champion of Mario Cart’s Rainbow road? Sure, if you want to be one of the lads. Guess that rules out competitive eating too. Which is a shame really, growing up in a family where Sunday lunch consisted of 30 people, the eat-or-have-it-eaten-for-you mentality means I can eat anyone under the table. Quantity and speed.

And then he told me the secret to being desirable, and asked me to pass it on to female-kind.

“The sexiest thing a girl can do, is laugh at my jokes”.

“What if they’re not funny?” I had to ask because, bless his soul, generally they’re not.

“Laugh anyways”. Just like that. The answer to love and all its problems summed up in two simple words.

I’ll get right on that, as soon as I find somewhere to store my dignity for a while. Though, maybe, until I find a big yellow storage for my soul I’ll stick to my average jokes and unladylike sarcasm.

And as for my friend, (and in fact all men that that like the silent-cooking types) perhaps you should invest in a bread-maker and forgo the trouble of a real relationship. I promise, you’re going to save yourself a fortune in texts.

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