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Posts Tagged ‘Flirting’

Him: S’cuse me, I wondered if you could help me.
Me: Yes?
Him: I have a lactose intolerance… got milk? *stares blatantly at my breasts*
Me: *unimpressed*

There is not enough Jack Daniels in the world to make a line like that work. It’s not that I have anything against chat up lines; but perhaps in the 30 seconds it takes you to walk from your end of the bar to mine, you can think of something to talk about which doesn’t involve my bra.

The problem is any fool with a half-baked line he read on google thinks he can pull it off and I’m here to set the record straight.

Just because a few vodka-ed up girls with self-esteem issues have thrown themselves at you after you reel off some line about her dress looking great on your bedroom floor, doesn’t mean it’s going to work on me. Or in fact on anyone with an IQ above 40.

“Do you believe in love at first sight … or should I walk past again?”
For goodness sake go back to the drawing board and come back with something I haven’t heard twenty times before. There’s this thing called originality, why don’t you shock me to death and try it once in a while.

“There are 256 bones in your body! Would you like another?”
Pretty damn funny but you’re still going home alone. While I love a confident guy as much as the next girl, you don’t have to make it quite so clear that you think I look easier than a Sunday morning.

In fact this goes hand in hand with the guys that pester you to text them pictures of yourself a week after you’ve met them. “Please babe send me a picture of you in that sexy outfit” – calm down mate, you bought me a £3.99 glass of wine from Weatherspoons and now you expect a peep show? Heaven forbid you paid for a cinema ticket, who knows what you would expect from me then.

“I’m not saying this 2 impress you but, I’m batman!!!”
I’m not lying; I’d probably take this one home. What can I say; I’m a sucker for a man with a good sense of humour.

I mean there are guys who think they’re funny. Guys who look funny, guys who try so hard to be funny. But a guy who can actually string a sentence together and produce something that elicits a genuine laugh? Well ladies, if you’re reading, send that guy all the pictures he wants. He’s a dying breed and it’s our duty to do what we can to keep the species alive.

And for the gentlemen who aren’t comically inclined? Well I have a tip for you too: hit the gym. If you can’t make me laugh, then at the very least provide a Danny Cipriani-esque body to distract me from that fact.

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A first date is like roast dinner, if you follow the recipe you can’t go wrong. So call me Martha Stewart and take note.

Firstly, coming from a girl who has a naturally sultry (fine moody) looking face, believe me, a smile goes a long way. Spinach teeth syndrome aside – brush, floss, rinse please – it’s always nice to give your date a little indication you’re not inwardly singing along to Rupert Holmes Pina Colada song.

You notice the occasional dramatic pause at the end of every few sentences? He’s not waiting for you to input your opinion; he just tried to make a funny, and is waiting for your reaction. Insert smile here, or if you really like him, go all out and fake a laugh. And if the laugh is genuine? Well then lady he’s a keeper.

Physical contact is always a hard one to master. One of the most exciting parts of a first date is the sexual electricity that comes from never having touched before. In these moments, every ‘accidental’ graze of the knee and soft brush of the arm is like foreplay. Men are like little children and you are their toy; it’s not of much interest until someone tells them they’re not allowed to play with it. So in this case, less is more.

My next tip: seamless underwear. At one point in the date, you will go to the restroom. Partly because it’s nice to check your lipstick hadn’t got smeared onto your teeth from all the earlier smiling, but mostly because you want him to watch as you walk away. Work on your walk if you have to: storming off to the ladies with a walk last seen on Jurassic Park will probably mean his plans for a hot dessert, now involve something available on the menu.

For numerous reasons I will be stating shortly, I feel heels on a first date and the toilet-trip-saunter go hand in hand. A nice pair of six inchers will lift your butt, lengthen your legs and give you something to measure him by. I feel I can say this without generating offence, as I too am vertically challenged: if a man is shorter than you in heels, dump him. That’s my professional opinion and I’m sticking to it. There are exceptions I’m sure, but life’s too short for me to list them.

If your first date involves eating, I have two words for you… small bites. You’re mouth is supposed to be a desirable and sensual haven; chewing like a hyena and talking with your mouthful are qualities you want to hide from him as long as possible.

And lets be adults about this now, whether you like it or not, through the eyes of a man, your mouth is a pleasure portal. Honestly, if you allow yours to resemble a mousetrap, I assure you, his desire to run away will overpower his need for cheese.

Now time for a little mathematics: also known as, the first kiss. Not all first dates end with a kiss, sometimes the guy wants to leave you with the illusion that he respects you, other times he’s just shy. Now I don’t care if you’ve been staring lustfully at his lips all night and feel you may implode if he doesn’t press them against yours imminently.

You give him 20% – no more. That is the furthest you can lean forward without it seeming like you’re going to kiss him. You close the distance, and if he wants to kiss you, he’ll do the rest. But be careful, if he does start closing in on you, don’t jump straight for his mouth, as there’s a chance he’s just going for the cheek. I speak from experience. Poor boy seemed to think I just got lost on the way to his lips.

Infallible flirting tips aside; there is one aspect I cannot help you with. I can give you the wood to start a fire; I can give you the gasoline to douse it with, but if you don’t have a match to start the spark, don’t expect your world to catch alight. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes you need a little more than physical attraction; unfortunately great arms and a sexy smile can only get you so far.

Now when it comes to all this ‘true love’ malarkey, I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a cynic. However, I’m ready to throw a bone to the romantics of the world and acknowledge that when you meet someone worthwhile, it feels like November 5th every day.

After all, every girl knows deep down when a guy’s worth shaving her legs for.

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Seductive subtlety is they key to all flirtation, it’s taken me twenty one years to master it but I am finally confident that I have understood the rules of the dating game. If such a thing exists as a connoisseur of flirting then I suggest they consider opening a school and teaching the ways of flirtation to those incapable of it.

I have bore witness far too many times to awkward conversations absent in sexual chemistry, for the sole reason that when it comes to social interaction with someone you like, certain unpleasant side effects feel the need to emerge. My personal downfall is the nervous stutter, though it gets worse, others must deal with such issues as the awkward silence or the accidental divulging of too much information.

Upon Facebook’s increasing popularity however, it has dawned on the mass of singles that a gate of flirtation had been left open, and a subsequent sigh of relief was heard worldwide. This in turn calls for a new set of rules for online flirtation, the seductive smile or playful touching of the arm have become obsolete and we are in need of new methods to entice the object if our desire.

Ladies I’m warning you, going through a guy’s Facebook photos and clicking ‘like’ under every one does not suggest you fancy him, it suggests you are (what has so eloquently been named) a ‘Facebook stalker’. Much like life outside the virtual world, desperation has never been the most attractive of qualities. I urge you to picture a cucumber and imitate it; coolness is what we are going for. If in life you wouldn’t dare go up to someone you fancy and poke them, then why would it suddenly become acceptable in virtual form?

I’ve never been one for playing it safe, but playing by the rules is a different matter; my first rule is don’t send anything on Facebook that will leave you waiting by your laptop in a nervous sweat. However witty or subtle your comment, there is always a chance it will be ignored and so everything you send should be written in full awareness of this. Virtually batting your eyes at someone only becomes fun in the moments of reciprocation, so keep it interesting.

I’ve never been a fan of small talk, perhaps you will find me harsh in calling it dull and pointless but I’ve always been a firm believer in only speaking when you have something worthwhile to say. After all, we’re aiming for a witty repartee not a friendly conversation about the weather.

Whilst I am no expert in matters of the heart, I have one last suggestion for those seeking romantic help. Your Facebook status is not a place for public love notes. There is nothing I cringe at more than someone who has yet to master the technique of subtlety and uses their status to ‘casually’ hint their affections. General consensus is, if you wouldn’t say it in public, don’t say it on Facebook, because (and I do hate being the barer of bad news) it’s the same thing!

A well-chosen profile picture, a casual comment, a relevant conversation topic is all you need, the rest is bordering on madness.

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