Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” clearly never understood the beauty of a cupcake. Or wine. Or chocolate. Or pizza. That being said, I’ve tried the “eat everything in sight and hope for a miracle diet” and it was largely ineffective.
In fact, when it comes to losing weight, I think “ineffective” is the operative word, because in the world of dieting, it’s so very easy to go wrong. So very very wrong.
When it comes to female dieting logic, I’ve heard it all (and also said it all) because no one, and I mean no one, can rationalize a calorie away like a woman on a diet can:
“If I skip lunch, I’m allowed a snickers… it’s the same calories as my salad anyway”
A calorie is a calorie right?! If two donuts have the same calorie content as a super-food salad, who’s to say it matters which of the two we eat… as long as we don’t eat both.
But what about fat content… or sugar content… or… oh you’ve already started eating the donuts. Never mind.
“Sunday is my cheat day”
Someone who knows about diets: “Cheat day? Do you mean cheat meal?”
Me: “No I mean cheat day. I’ve ruined my diet already so I might as well persevere and eat all the junk food in the house, so there’s nothing left to tempt me tomorrow”.
“Marshmallows and jelly babies are fat-free… so they basically fall into the health food category”
Now don’t quote me on this, but I’m almost certain strawberry laces are not one of your 5-a-day.
“Liquid calories aren’t really a thing… you pee them right out”
A glass of wine has the same amount of calories as a large Cornetto ice cream (and let’s be honest, who ever stops at one glass?!). Alcohol contains seven calories a gram, in fact, almost as many as pure fat!
“I’ve got a tight dress to fit into tonight so I’m not eating anything today”
Yep, done that. Usually followed by a 3am binge of anything and everything I can find. Plus toast. Because even if you get a bargain bucket on your way home… you needs some pre-bed toast. “To soak the alcohol up”.
“I barely eat anything but I’m putting on weight”
I, like many others, suffer from an increasingly widespread disorder known as “food related memory loss”. This involves eating 7 times a day, but only remembering 3 of them. But the truth is, if you’re putting on weight, you’re probably eating more than you think. Or you’re eating the wrong things.
Don’t believe me? Carry around a diary for one week and write everything you eat in it. The chances are you’ll be coming out as a secret eater by the end of it.
“Everything I eat when I come home after the gym doesn’t count”
“After you work out, your body continues burning fat for another hour, so anything you eat within that hour doesn’t count. They’re free calories!” – Dumb s**t women say.
“I never eat breakfast… it makes me fat”
Me for the first 24 years of my life: “I don’t eat breakfast, it awakens my appetite then I can’t stop eating all day”.
20 minutes later: *Eats waffle* “Yeah… this is lunch though. And I deserve it for making it to 1pm without eating”.
“I’ll have cereal for dinner to be healthy. One bowl, two bowl, three bowls… what difference does it make!?”
30 grams suggested serving size? Yeah I think that’s only for kids though…
“Coke Zero has the same calories as water… therefore it is basically water”
Look, I’m no health expert, but one thing I know is that if a drink has no calories in it, but still tastes as good as its “full fat” counterpart, they’re putting some crazy s**t in there.
I know it sounds rich coming from the woman who thought alcohol can’t make you fat, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. Drink some God damn water.
“Carbs are the devil. That bowl of pasta I ate last night is the sole reason for my impending obesity”
Everything is okay in moderation. Plus, it’s all about eating the right carbs. Oatmeal for breakfast = good. French fries for dinner = bad.
But then, we must ask ourselves… what is life without the occasional fry?
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